I am not dead!!!!! But the love I once yearned for brought my 30 days to a halt. I am not the one to say NO to a happy ending. HAPPY I AM!!!! At that very moment when I was going to throw in the towel on the guy who was my suitor; he surprised me with some chicken and a commitment. Classy ladies like classy things; in that order. I cannot say I have had any bad days but we are only a few weeks into our new relationship. I am learning and growing each day. But back to me. I need to continuously learn and grow and better myself for myself and my new man. My 30 days are not complete but restarted. Despite my original quest for love (I GOT IT) I am still on a quest to develop myself spiritually and mentally into a sane person (just kidding sort of). These next thirty days, and I promise to engage with you all at least three times a week, everyday is a bit much when you are trying to find a new job, I need to commit myself to the HUNT. But I am refocusing in and let that radiate outward.
Over the next thirty days, I plan to address a few topics that are near and dear to my heart.
1. Hair growth:
I just paid and are currently patiently waiting on my manetobolism pills. I've had massive hair loss and I need to get my mojo back. I once had a head full of hair and now I currently look like the crypt keeper.
2. Friendship:
How to be a better friend...... how do you maintain friendships while building the foundation for a strong relationship. It is important not to lose yourself in your mate but find a balance of love and friendship.
3. Fashion:
Oh how I love fashion, Oh how I have so much!!! Time to spill the beans on whats haute and whats a waste of me looking your way.
4. Cleanliness and redecorating:
I finally found a cleaning service, I can't wait for them to arrive after I clean up first. I am going to do a massive clothes give away. I am tired of hoarding.....(this one carried over from my previous 30 days.
My plate is full, my life is exciting and things can only get better!!!
My final order of business is the marriage of my close friend Keith. I knew it was coming but damn ya'll did it like a thief in the night. I am so happy for all my friends that have recently gotten married or engaged, gotten a new job or just made some changes. The universe and the stars are aligned. CONGRATS!!!
Hey y'all it's been a minute and I have been overly busy. Cheating on my challenge (judge yo ass) and more so working 50-11 jobs. However, I have made some changes moving forward. I have quite one of my beloved jobs and I looking to find another full-time. Though, I do love my job I don't feel like I can grow and the whole point of my life is to continuously grow. If you lack growth you will always be stuck. I hate getting stuck, this is the main reason I hate winter time Chi, I tend to always get stuck in the snow. Nevertheless, I had a thought, mostly out of anger. I started thinking about when we force things. We try to control our destiny and force issues. I am queen of the force. When Yoda said, " may the force be with you" (i don't think Yoda said it and I am not going to fact check) I took that saying to heart. I force everything. I force friendships, jobs, relationships and just about anything I want to go my own selfish way. The down side to forcing issues and things are that the outcome will never ever come out the way you want or intended. Sometimes it may seem like it will come out the way you want but trust me it is only temporary. What's a girl to do when she wants something so bad and things just don't seem like they are going as planned. Instead of me pulling out my light saver and slaying everyone into loving me, I have to learn to let things be. Let God, Let the universe handle my hard work. Why put more into a relationship (any kind) with out a return on investment. Against my own will I have been Luke Sky walker with a guy I am totally smitten by and I don't care how many times I hit this negro with my light saver, use the force he is dark Vader to my ass and it is just a uphill battle (the shit is hard). Unlike most basic females I cannot fight or force a guy for too long so I just pack my shit and head straight for the hills, specifically those going down. I really hate climbing hills. But at the end it easier to win a battle within then fight a losing battle with another person. I read today on my favorite blog Black Girls are Easy, they only competition I have is myself, the got damn man in the mirror. So today, I am going to stop fighting this exhausting battle and start to fight the internal one, the one I can win for the betterment of myself. No more trying to prove to anyone anything either yo ass love me or live me alone. SIMPLE !
"ohhh, we've got to hold on, ready or not
you live for the fight when it's all you've got.
woah, we're half way there
woah, livin on a prayer
take my hand, we'll make it I swear
Woah, livin on a prayer" Bon Jovi
If you did not sing this song while reading the lyrics please close this blog go straight to youtube and play Bon Jovi, livin on prayer and internalize this song. Thanks, Management! (extra credit, I added the video to this blog, see I made your life easier)
All my real 70's and 80's babies stand up and if your bones feel like mine sit down. I am tired. No one (well I am lying everyone told me) when I hit 30 my bones were going to start hurting. As soon as I hit 30 and a day my damn knees started hurting. Geesh. Nevertheless, I have been gone all weekend and yesterday was definitely a treat to my growth, but I will not get into that until day 30 so hold your tits my dears. So for the past 3 or more days I have been living on prayer, mainly because I decided, thanks to my kick ass friend Joelise, I am going to become Cat woman (Dark Knight Rises) and ride a kick ass motorcycle and wear tight leather outfits. I thought it was going to be a cake walk, I hop on a motorcyle and BAM i am rider. NOOOO, I wasn't ready. I pretty much almost died my first day on the bike (really prayer works). I let the clutch go and then accidently hit the throttle (gas) and BAM I was on the concrete me and the night hawk (bike)! Yep, I sucked at riding the motorcyle, but what I did learn is that the more I did it the better I got. The more I did it the more I conquered my fear. I fell off that bike but damn it was not going to let that defeat me, I got right back on and I rode again. I shook that shit off and chased my Cat woman dreams.
Needless to say, I still failed the motorcyle test, ( I couldn't stop fast enough, whatever) but I learned a valuable lesson, when life knocks you down get back up. We all hear this saying and we all say it but when it really happens we tend to stay down for a while and lay in our sorrows. We don't have time for that. In love you will be knock down, beat up (sometimes literally), and let down but we are born fighters, survivors and adaptors. We are able to overcome anything that is the wonderful part of the human brain. However, we ( well at least I do) serve a power more powerful than human will, that's GOD. Everyday, we live on a prayer. We pray we work, we work we pray. But have you really processed how prayer has really changed your life. I swear every year I pray for a great man (I do, and you will not judge me) but was I specific in my prayers. I have met some great men, that I prayed for but they were not great for me. So yes my prayer was answered but not the way I wanted it. I have prayed for more money, I got it but I work like 25 jobs, no seriously I work like 25 jobs. I am learning that while I have a strong human will, I need to improve my prayer life. When you fall off and get back on add prayer to that. Thank the heavens you fell because if I had never fallen I wouldn't be able to learn first hand and never make that mistake again. Yes, we are suppose to learn from other mistakes but sometimes we have to make our own to grow into the person we are destined to become. I am learning to thank God for every failed relationship because I know I am a step closer to finding the one but I also pray that Lord while I am in this interim work on me, make me the woman my future husband is praying for right now, and mold him into the man I am specifically praying for and in the meantime continously bless my future husband. AMEN!
Challenge 4, 5, 6, and 7
Pray
Until
Something
Happens
Pray, learn and grow. I am praying for all my readers, I am praying for my future husband and kids. I am praying to be a kick ass biker chick (who rides safely). I am praying for peace and understanding. I am praying for wisdom as I continue with this challenge. I am praying that my words not only help myself but others. I am praying for LIFE, I speak LIFE AND LOVE onto you all . I challenege you all as well as myself to pray each day (not that sorry prayer we been saying since we were kids) I mean a meaningful prayer each day. I am learning to pray selflessly and put others before myself. In order to free myself from baggage and negativity, I need to enhance my prayer life, and the next time I fall down and get back on realize prayer kept me and will continue to keep me until my last breath. .
Hey friends, I love you and I am praying for your happiness, whatever that means to you.
Future husband, I pray for you, I pray for us and I pray for this journey. If my intution is correct you are traveling down the same path and I promise I will meet you at the finish line and together we will kneel before God and pray together.
"We've got to hold on to what we've got 'Cause it doesn't make a difference If we make it or not We've got each other and that's a lot For love - we'll give it a shot
Whooah, we're half way there Livin' on a prayer Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear Livin' on a prayer "
People tell the truth when they are mad, drunk and/or madly drunk. In have asked God to walk with me during this process and to reveal to me those that are for me and those that don't mean me any good. Well Lord, I surely didn't know you was going to do it this fast. I have had more guys disappear, some I am happy they are gone and others I wish could have stay around for a while. However, it is always disappointing when the one you really want isn't ready, willing, or able to give you what you want but it is even more disheartening when they say very mean things to you in a heated argument. "I AM TIRED OF YOUR FUCKING INSECURE ASS, IT ISN'T ABOUT YOU..." I pretty much forgot whatever else he said but those words struck me in my chest like a 4x4 piece of plywood. Kind Sir, did you just call me insecure, then he started the back tracking, but the damage was done and I didn't care about anything else he had to say. I could be the best women in the world the minute you said I was insecure I knew that was my pink slip to leave this situationship. How stupid of me to believe that I was going to wait him out, make him love me. The last time I did that bullshit I got tired and left and now he is dating at 28 year old girl (who happens to be freaking beautiful)
"And then I realized twenty-something girls are just fabulous until you see one with the man who broke your heart." - Carrie Bradshaw His words hit my core and then I start to think maybe I was insecure. However, instead of shaming myself because of my insecurities, I decided to learn them, own them, then eliminate them. In the art war in order to defeat your enemy you have to understand your enemy, conquer your enemy and ultimately destroy your enemy, the same holds true for your insecurities.
Day 3 challenge:
Working on me So all day yesterday, I did things to make myself feel better. Your girl looks like a million bucks. But that is only outer. I am going to learn how to control my inner by silencing all negativity and learning that these insecurities that I have fostered are only untruths that have attached themselves to me because of fail past relationships. No one should be able to make you feel insecure. You have to know your worth, walk in your truth and slay in bish that tries to get in the way of your fabulous self. So watch out, I am taking out any demons in my range!
My home is direct reflection of my love life. Cluttered, Junkie, Disorganized and Poor maintenance. For all you guys reading this thinking "this chicks is nasty", the correct answer is I am a pack rat, I should have a four minute segment on hoarders. I hoard clothes and old shoes. Don't ask but most of my shoes don't have a mate, much like me. Sad but true. This horrible apartment reminds me of my horrible relationships. I have old clothes that are torn and broken, I have clothes that no longer fit my body or my lifestyle ( I am thirty plus), I have new clothes that still have the tags, I have clothes that don't belong to me that I convent and love like they were one of my pieces and then I have my favorites pieces that I wear consistently that looks great on my body but I don't take care of them like I should. My clothes are a direct correlation with my more recent relationships. I have loved men that have been around but they are so broken so I couldn't be with them. I have loved men whose life no longer is suitable for mine, we didn't fit. I have loved men that are all new and shiny but I never used them because I was too afraid to dirty them up with my mess. I have loved men who didn't belong to me and I convent another woman's man and I treated him like he belonged to me. (Feel free to judge me at this point because I am admitting to the world I was a side chick, this was a very low point in my life) I say all this to say that at some point I had to clean my closet remove all these things, return items that didn't belong to me, remove broken items because they served me no purpose, wear the new items and if they get dirty wash them or throw them away and finally take better care of those items that I loved, those that fit me perfectly. Last night, when I sent out my blog alert, I received a call from a guy whom I loved for years, he was never my man, but he was my buddy and he told me he was finally in a relationship and I got pissed. How selfish could I be. I always thought it would be me and him one day but I guess I was too busy coveting another womans man and chasing behind a guy who told me every chance he got how he was ready only to find out he was just not with me. I let the good guy get away, whom (like my clothes)I let sit in my closet (sidelines) with the tags (friendzone) on because I thought one day I would be ready (I will find a place to wear this outfit).
Regret. I guess this 30 day challenge will come with some disappointments and I will have to really take a long hard look at myself and even give myself a massive side eye. This nice woman I portray to be maybe isn't so nice, my actions may be nice but my thoughts can be cruel and judgmental and this is reason one while I am alone right now trying to pick up the pieces of my life and put them back together. Maybe love isn't fair, Maybe God is really this cruel ( he isn't ) or maybe I may never find my Mr. Right, maybe I will find myself (Hey God I really don't want the later, can you please cut a sister a break). Heartbreaks and loneliness pushes you to look within and pull out all your strength. You fight your internal demons and try to silence your ego (who at this very moment has me feeling like a hybrid between precious, ceely, and too wong fu).
Day 2 Challenge: CLEAN UP MY HOUSE. This challenge will definitely take me more than 24 hours, one because I work like 12 jobs and I am usually really tired by the end of the day, and two I am just plain phucking lazy. So I am enlisting a friend a week to help me clean, pick a day!!!! I need to remove the clutter clear my house then my mind. I need to give away old clothes, wear new clothes and if I don't like them give them away too. Throw away broken/torn clothes. Give back clothes that don't belong to me. Finally, take better care of the clothes I do have. Like the men in my life it is time to clean house, something have to end , I can't keep holding on forever, how can I get new things if the old worn and torn things take up all the room. I am also challenging myself to seize the opportunity to reach out to those guys I completely put in the friendzone with hope that one day if I am single at 45 I could break the glass and just marry them. My delusional ass thinks these guys are just gonna sit around and wait for my crazy ass to stop chasing MR. SCARED OF COMMITTMENT. But to the guy who I am referring to in this particular posting; Just know I have and will always love you friend. You have been a great friend even when I wasn't a friend to myself. Thanks for loving me and mainly going to the movies with me, listening to me cry and always making me laugh. NOW GUYS TIME TO CLEAN!
So freaking cliche', single and fabulous, but the reality is single and phucking frustrated. Let's be honest here most single women over the age of 28 are in a panic and if they say they're are not most likely they are lying to you and themselves to make their lonely ass feel better. It is an unspoken rule that women, especially black women, age out. Okay, before you start a change.org petition against this blog on my first post, follow me here. When you creep into your thirties you get this great wisdom, great sex drive and about a million horrible relationship. You should have settled down in your twenties. So to all my twenty something’s put down that tequila keg and go find you a husband immediately it is not worth it. Nevertheless, before I continue down this path of righteousness, several of my male friends have asked me to write a book about my love life because a) the stories they hear from me are hilarious and pretty crazy b) My life is entertaining despite how boring I find it. So I decided to take an much lazier alternative and write a blog. But this not just a relationship blog, this blog is about my ever so sucky dating life. I mean this dating life sucks. So in order to pull myself out of the dating worm hole, I went even a step further and decided to take 30 days and figure out why I am always the temporary girlfriend preparing the guy for his full-time wife. WTF. I cannot count on all my digits how many men I have prepared for a wonderful life with their wives. At first I thought well it was in God's plan for them to marry the other woman then I realize God couldn't be this cruel all the time. I mean every year for the past couple of years I have gotten men ready for their walk down the aisle and essential made some other bish happy. SO someone please tell me what part of the game is this? I ask a close friend the other day, why don't men want me? When is there a paradigm shift in the relationship; when did I become the pursuer? His answer was clear and it made so much sense I was afraid. I was afraid that unlocking this knowledge would lead me to be by myself forever or actually find me a wonderfully loving WHITE man. I will reveal this lesson later in this 30 day exploration of me. So while I am doing my 30 days of single, I ask you all like and comment, I will also include some YouTube videos. This journey is beyond me just finding Mr. Right but learning about myself, getting myself together physically and mentally for the right man. Calm down Ivy it's not the end of your movie called life but it is the rolling credits on my eggs. During this next thirty days, I will do some extreme things, life changing events (maybe even my hair, just kidding I change that all the time), change my thought pattern and change the course of my love life. I figured I might be relationshiply challenged and I might need a little extra help to get it right , to make this thing in my head click. All behaviors can be unlearned and all bonds can be broken. I am now on my way to finding Mr. Right for me, a man who wants me just as much as I want them without all the unnecessary drama and emotions. There are lessons to be learned but first I have to look within and figure out what is it about me that finds the need to push or rush men. Maybe if I just sit back and enjoy this show everything I want and wish for will be revealed.
Since this is the official kick off,
DAY 1: My first challenge is to cancel all dates, turn off my phone and focus on just being with me. In my favorite movie/ book eat ,pray, love there is quote I making my day 1 mantra “When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.” There is something rewarding in learning your way around your own loneliness. My desperation for the nuclear family has pretty much left me depleted and now it time to rebuild. Reflection is key, finding a complete center and learning how to take step back is essential to my growth. So Day 1 is dedicated to my inner peace and outer love. So friends don't call me, I will call you!
