My home is direct reflection of my love life. Cluttered, Junkie, Disorganized and Poor maintenance. For all you guys reading this thinking "this chicks is nasty", the correct answer is I am a pack rat, I should have a four minute segment on hoarders. I hoard clothes and old shoes. Don't ask but most of my shoes don't have a mate, much like me. Sad but true. This horrible apartment reminds me of my horrible relationships. I have old clothes that are torn and broken, I have clothes that no longer fit my body or my lifestyle ( I am thirty plus), I have new clothes that still have the tags, I have clothes that don't belong to me that I convent and love like they were one of my pieces and then I have my favorites pieces that I wear consistently that looks great on my body but I don't take care of them like I should. My clothes are a direct correlation with my more recent relationships. I have loved men that have been around but they are so broken so I couldn't be with them. I have loved men whose life no longer is suitable for mine, we didn't fit. I have loved men that are all new and shiny but I never used them because I was too afraid to dirty them up with my mess. I have loved men who didn't belong to me and I convent another woman's man and I treated him like he belonged to me. (Feel free to judge me at this point because I am admitting to the world I was a side chick, this was a very low point in my life) I say all this to say that at some point I had to clean my closet remove all these things, return items that didn't belong to me, remove broken items because they served me no purpose, wear the new items and if they get dirty wash them or throw them away and finally take better care of those items that I loved, those that fit me perfectly. Last night, when I sent out my blog alert, I received a call from a guy whom I loved for years, he was never my man, but he was my buddy and he told me he was finally in a relationship and I got pissed. How selfish could I be. I always thought it would be me and him one day but I guess I was too busy coveting another womans man and chasing behind a guy who told me every chance he got how he was ready only to find out he was just not with me. I let the good guy get away, whom (like my clothes)I let sit in my closet (sidelines) with the tags (friendzone) on because I thought one day I would be ready (I will find a place to wear this outfit).
Regret. I guess this 30 day challenge will come with some disappointments and I will have to really take a long hard look at myself and even give myself a massive side eye. This nice woman I portray to be maybe isn't so nice, my actions may be nice but my thoughts can be cruel and judgmental and this is reason one while I am alone right now trying to pick up the pieces of my life and put them back together. Maybe love isn't fair, Maybe God is really this cruel ( he isn't ) or maybe I may never find my Mr. Right, maybe I will find myself (Hey God I really don't want the later, can you please cut a sister a break). Heartbreaks and loneliness pushes you to look within and pull out all your strength. You fight your internal demons and try to silence your ego (who at this very moment has me feeling like a hybrid between precious, ceely, and too wong fu).
Day 2 Challenge: CLEAN UP MY HOUSE. This challenge will definitely take me more than 24 hours, one because I work like 12 jobs and I am usually really tired by the end of the day, and two I am just plain phucking lazy. So I am enlisting a friend a week to help me clean, pick a day!!!! I need to remove the clutter clear my house then my mind. I need to give away old clothes, wear new clothes and if I don't like them give them away too. Throw away broken/torn clothes. Give back clothes that don't belong to me. Finally, take better care of the clothes I do have. Like the men in my life it is time to clean house, something have to end , I can't keep holding on forever, how can I get new things if the old worn and torn things take up all the room. I am also challenging myself to seize the opportunity to reach out to those guys I completely put in the friendzone with hope that one day if I am single at 45 I could break the glass and just marry them. My delusional ass thinks these guys are just gonna sit around and wait for my crazy ass to stop chasing MR. SCARED OF COMMITTMENT. But to the guy who I am referring to in this particular posting; Just know I have and will always love you friend. You have been a great friend even when I wasn't a friend to myself. Thanks for loving me and mainly going to the movies with me, listening to me cry and always making me laugh. NOW GUYS TIME TO CLEAN!
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